 Dear
Birthmom - Is Adoption Worth the Grief?
Adoption has life-long consequences and is especially inhumane
when a mother wants and loves her child. Rather than pressure her
to get her child, people should just help her out.
Marion, IA (PRWEB) September 27, 2004 -- In some countries there
are abortion cemeteries where a person can go to grieve the loss of
their unborn child. It is readily accepted that a woman who has such
a loss may need to mourn.
But when a child that is already born is lost to adoption her mother
may be expected to go on with her life as if nothing happened. She
may have been pressured until she gave up hope, she may have been
tricked into surrendering her parental rights, or her young “adoptable”
child may have been taken by social services using a vague accusation
such as “threat of harm”. Regardless, people will tell her that her
child is probably fine - the strangers that took her know how to change
a diaper. Besides, they deserved a child and she is just a “birth
thing” anyway.
No matter how grief-stricken she is, she may be told she must hide
it so as not to overshadow the adopter’s joy. A mother may go for
years or even decades trying to shut it out of her mind. Some commit
suicide. Meanwhile, once in possession of her child, many adopters
may have no consideration for her feelings or else they may tell people
they pray for her or speak of her to her child occasionally and that
should be enough.
Yet, every morning she may wake up and in her mind do everything
she imagines she would be doing with her baby. She bathes him, changes
his diaper, nurses him, talks with him and laughs with him. She introduces
him proudly to everyone. When he gets older it becomes harder to imagine
what he might be like. Does he like boating or swimming? Is he energetic
or more relaxed? Does he try radical new looks and dye his hair different
colors? Is he happy? Is he even alive? If she gets to visit him occasionally
she may know some of these things, but she will still miss all the
little things that mothers and their children usually share. If she
never sees him, everything builds up. Every moment they could have
spent together over the years is gone never to return.
She may work hard trying to focus on her own development so as not
to miss out on life completely. The pain of the loss of her own son
or daughter worse than she ever could have imagined, she may turn
to drinking or drugs to try to shut it out of her mind. She may have
nightmares in which there are hands reaching up though the mattress
toward her belly as if to take her child. She may find it hard to
trust or get close to those around her.
Then one day she can stand it no more. It may be years or even decades
later and the loss has accumulated over time. Suddenly it’s like a
dam has broken and there is a massive outpouring of anguish and pain.
Still, how can even a friend understand when she’s crying again the
next day and the next? People suggest counseling, but all of the counselors
tell her she should have no problem. Her child is probably fine, so
she should just not worry about it. Even if he has problems, he’s
not her child. Anyway, it’s been years. No one else has a problem
with adoption. The insensitivity of each response stabs her to the
bone. It is documented in many places that mothers may be very badly
affected by the loss of a son or daughter to adoption. All she asked
for was a little help.
Oddly, the pro-life community backs off just when a mother might
expect support. “You gave life” they say, “but that is not your child.”
Adoption is in God’s plan they claim. “We are all adopted children
of God.” But did God adopt us away from our mother and then expect
her to forget about it?
Tragically, some mothers find that their child is not at all better
off adopted. Separated from their mothers and family, many adoptees
including those adopted at birth and even those with some contact
with their natural family have been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment
Disorder and drugged. Other adoptees later tell their mother straight
out she would have been the perfect mother for them.
Adoption is inhumane, especially when a mother has not been proven
to be unfit and wants her child. Although mothers are often made to
feel they are all alone, few mothers are completely friendless and
with absolutely no support. The very people counseling her could acknowledge
her as the mother of her child and help her keep her child. Nurses,
doctors and others could disclose the known effects of separation
on a mother and her child. Church people could have a fund-raiser,
donate a few of their baby items or take her around to garage sales
just for fun. They might suggest shared housing for single mothers
so they can help each other or advise mothers on the availability
of government programs to help them get on their feet. They could
lobby for adequate government programs for natural families, including
a training program similar to the government-funded Infant Adoption
Awareness Training but with the focus of educating everyone in the
community about the most loving option - keeping family together.
Mothers do not deserve this cruel life sentence for giving birth.
Unless parents are proven to be unfit rather than being just frightened
or poor, adoption is not worth the grief.
Laurie Frisch
###
Article: Why Dear
Birthmother Letters and Adoption Solicitation Must be Outlawed
You are not a "Dear Birthmother", you
are a mother
The mother is not the only one that suffers when someone helps her
to "make an adoption plan" rather than providing real help.
What newborn baby cries to get away from her mother? Babies need their
mothers. Read
"Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier to see how much a newborn
is affected by taking her mother away from her. She loses her
mother, her security. So rather than make some bogus claim of respecting
the "courageous decision" and "bravery" of a "dear
birthmother" it is essential to respect a mother as the mother
of her child. Mom (and Dad) - here are some ideas on how to obtain
real help to keep
and nurture your own child.
It is illegal to solicit to obtain vital organs from a living person
- it should be illegal to solicit to obtain a living person's son
or daughter as well. We need no Dear Birthmother letters or any other
promotion of family separation to get babies for adoption.
In our society, a single pregnant women who has been targeted as
the source of a baby for adoption is called a "birthmother"
"birthmom",
"birthparent", "bmom",
"lifemother". All of
these terms are dehumanizing, making it appear that a mother is not
the Mother of her own child. "Birthmother" is a job title:
Baby-maker for the wealthy. In the children's fiction book "The
Giver" by Lois Lowry it states that "birthmothers"
have the lowest status in society.
In real life, a Mother who gives up hope and surrenders parental
rights may find herself honored as a "birth thing" on "Birthmothers
Day".
Here's a great explanation of what's wrong with Birthmother's
Day - a Mother who is not honored on Mother's Day but is shunted
off to another day has her motherhood dishonored. Not only that, but
a Mother should never be called a "birthmother" (aka "birth
thing" or incubator). The term "natural mother" is
more appropriate for one who is a mother by nature and that term also
acknoweldges that motherhood does not end at birth. If a baby died
soon after birth, would the mother be insultingly referred to as a
"birthmother" rather than mother? "Birthmother"
is a dehumanizing term as insulting as a racial slur.
Birthmother's
Day
- a Personal Response by Bryony Lake
Why Birthmom
Means Breeder by Diane Turski
Dear Birthmother - We are a Lesbian Couple Gay Partners
with a Lifetime Commitment to Each Other
Dear Lesbian Couple: So what - neither you , nor those sterile "Christian"
women who have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) because they got
an abortion or had an STD can have my baby!
Dear Birthmother - This must be a difficult time
for you
And what better time for us to move in and try to get your baby
so we can be happy and "complete" our family since we don't
consider each other to be enough. We are desperate infertile people
and will take any healthy baby.
Dear Genetic parent/genetic mother - We hope to bring
you peace of mind
Dear, Dear Genetic parent - "genetic thing" - We do so
VERY much care about you - after all, how else will we get a baby
to call our own? We plan to approach the media and tell them how happy
we are you were foolish enough to sell your offspring to people you
don't even know. We may be child molesters - or worse - ha, ha, ha,
HA!
Egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, or surrogacy - WE
GOTCHA! We HAVE YOUR CHILD.
Dear Birthmother:
Important warning Do you have any idea how a mother feels if her
child goes to school one day and never returns? That's how you may
feel - for the rest of your life after you relinquish your baby.
Adoption "Facts" - Fact is, you would make
a GREAT Mother
Dear Birthmother: We hope and pray you will show us some kindness
and GIVE US YOUR BABY. We really are praying for a baby to adopt.
Don't say "my parents want me to keep my baby". Please don't
think about keeping your own child - we need your son or daughter
to complete our family. We want an "open
adoption". Make up your mind to do the "right thing"
- please don't look for resources
or real help to keep your child. Parents want you to keep your baby?
Hah! What do they know! You will be such a hero - a saint, really
- when you "choose" adoption.
The Virgin Mary was an unmarried teenage mother - and SHE relinquished
her son to adoption, didn't she? Now she is "honored" as
the "birthmother" of Jesus. No? So what! - we really want
a baby.
The status of women in a society may be partially
determined by the percentage of women who have their babies adopted-out.
Note: The word "birthmother" is used here ONLY for search
engine placement. A mother is not an incubator or "birthmother"
("birth thing") - she is the mother of her own child.
Next: Adoption vs. Abortion
- Myths Debunked in Letter to Student
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