Prejudice, Unwed Mothers, Adoption Myths Debunked

"A child is better off raised by an unrelated married couple than by her own parents if her mother is single at the time she is born."

"A child is better off raised by an older person than by her young mother."

"A child is better off with wealth than with her own mother or father."

Most statements made about adoption are sweeping generalizations like those above, based more on prejudice than reality. They do not take into account a specific situation or the real emotional needs of a child or his mother. In countries like Australia single women and men are protected from adoption scams and there are very few adoptions. Read the following information and consider it carefully.

• Known Consequences of Separating a Mother and Child
• Are Young Mothers Unfit Delinquents?
• Using Labels To Bastardize Natural Family
• Have Things Changed?
• She Will Have More Children Later
• A Child Needs a Father
• Comparison of Adoption Practices in North America and Australia
• Adoption vs. Abortion
• Infertility
• "Right" to Adopt
• How "Positive Adoption Language" Tears Families Apart




Known Consequences

Read about the Known Consequences of Separating Mother and Child at Birth


Message for Grandparents

 

Are Young Mothers Unfit Delinquents?

Most mothers whose children are adopted-out are between 17 and 24. Most are from a higher socioeconomic background from intact families, according to information provided by the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

There is no reason to assume that a mother or father will be unfit simply because they are young. Many teenagers are already caring for younger children. An adopter will get training to assist them raising an unrelated child -- a mother and father can obtain training as well. A 16-year-old mother will be 30 when her child is 14, a 45-year-old would be 59 -- perhaps even deceased.

Motherhood Lessens Teen Delinquency

About 97% of single mothers keep their babies. A recent study performed by Esther I. Wilder, Ph.D., of Lehman College and the Graduate Center of the City University of New York and her colleagues Trina Hope, Ph.D., of the University of Oklahoma and Toni Terling Watt, Ph.D., of Texas State University provides interesting insights.

The study drew information from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, a nationwide survey of 19,000 teenagers in grades seven through 12. According to a Health Behavior News Service report by Aaron Levin, the findings were that of the 6,877 girls who got pregnant, the highest rates of juvenile delinquency were found among girls who had abortions or gave babies up for adoption. Girls who kept their babies were no more likely to be delinquent that those who had never gotten pregnant. Although before pregnancy, they smoked or used marijuana more than the girls who never got pregnant, girls who kept their babies were especially likely to quit smoking and to stop using marijuana.

Using Labels to Bastardize Natural Family

Many in our society judge parents on the basis of a single factor - marital state. By labeling single mothers (and other family members) as “birthmothers” (“birth fathers”, “birth siblings”, etc.) it’s possible to make it seem as if these mothers are not their child’s own mother but merely an object meant be used as the source of a baby for adoption. This dehumanizing “birth” terminology is similar to “bastard” except that it is applied to the family not the child. It denies the relationship between family members.

Using words implying a mother can have an “ex” relationship with her child and be a mother only prior to and at birth is very misleading. A person usually gets over an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, but a mother will never get over the loss of her child. Losing the opportunity to raise her child, even if her child is still alive, will affect a mother for life. Even most people who have adopted an unrelated child will tell you that losing that child after nine months together would be a great loss for them. For a natural mother whose child is adopted-out, the loss increases over time as she misses out on the moments they might have had together.

Have Things Changed?

Many in the adoption industry insist that "things have changed".

"Open" adoption - with promises to the natural family of pictures, letters or even contact with their child - is being promoted heavily. Moms with recent adoptions are made to feel like "saints" for giving up their child and then used to promote adoption. Most "open" adoptions close within the first year. Many more close when the child figures out who her real mom is at age 6 or 7. Frequently adopters close the adoption and sometimes moms close them as well - after all, how many mothers could stand to watch their own child being raised by someone else and calling someone else "mom"?

Even when an adoption stays open, getting letters, pictures or even having some contact with their child does not make up for losing the opportunity to raise your own child. Mothers from open adoptions are reluctant to tell their truths because of the fear that their own child may be harmed if they do. Why don't we hear more from mothers and adoptees themselves? Read More: Adoption Ethics - An Oxymoron.

She Will Have Other Children Later

“She will have other children later” is a rationalization sometimes made. But not only can one child not replace another in a mother’s heart, but there is no guarantee that mothers who have had a child adopted-out will be able to have other children. An estimated 28-60% of these mothers experience unexplained secondary infertility or else are too traumatized by the loss of one child to even try to have another child.

A Child Needs a Father

A child needs the support and guidance of his own father - no one else can take his place. But if a child has been abandoned by one parent that is no reason for the child to lose both parents and all other family members.

A Comparison of Adoption Practices in North America and Australia

A Comparison of Adoption Practices in North America and Australia by Evelyn Robinson

Adoption vs. Abortion

Aren't there more options? Some women opt for abortion knowing that their motherhood will be unsupported and they might be forced to watch their own child being raised by someone else.

Even when a pregnancy is unexpected, by the time a child is born her mother nearly always wants and loves her just as any mother does. To get babies away from their mothers it is necessary to torment the mothers, making them feel they have no real options but to surrender. We never hear of a national problem of "unwed" fathers, but kicking around "unwed" mothers is a national pastime. And it does get some babies for adopters. But this attitude leads to abortion as well as adoption. When fathers abandon or neglect their children and women are forced to raise their children alone it is not the mother that should be kicked around. Males must understand that pregnancy prevention and each and every one of their offspring are their responsibility. Even if they do not marry their child's mother, they still have the same obligation to guide, nurture and support their child. Abandoning a child for adoption means not being there for your child.

Read More: Adoption vs. Abortion Myths.

Infertility

Promoting adoption as a "solution" to the nation's growing infertility crisis has a far-reaching impact. It means less support for mothers which in turn leads to increased abortions, a perception that males need not take responsibility for their children, and a painful situation for mothers, fathers and other relatives who have lost children to adoption and for adopted-out children.

In reality, much infertility could be prevented by healthy living and by promoting adult reproduction before fertility diminishes. Even when infertility is not preventable, no one owes their child to anyone.

No human being deserves to be turned into an orphan on paper for the purpose of being used as an infertility cure. Being an orphan and cut off from family is not a good thing. Whether "orphans" for infertiles are created artificially through sperm or egg "donation" or embryo adoption or they are created by encouraging mothers to legally abandon their infants or by denying father's rights, it is morally wrong.

"Right" to Adopt

There is no such thing as a "right" to adopt. When the parents of a child are deceased or proven to be unfit, and there is no adult relative who wants to raise the child, the best situation for the child should be found.

Being raised in a foreign culture by an unrelated white American woman who is advancing in age is unlikely to be the best option that can be found for a child. People who have serious mental illness are not being "discriminated against" if someone else seems like a safer option to raise a child. People who don't want to have to sacrifice their career, wealth or other interests to have children, people who are infertile due to STDs or unhealthy habits, people who don't want to ruin their figure of just don't want to be bothered with a pregnancy, people who are single or gay do not deserve a child. No one deserves a child - it is the needs of the child that must be met.

Children who are already suffering the loss of family do not need to be forced to live a lie. Those people caring for them did not give birth to them and are not their real family. Not every country issues falsified birth certificates stating that the adopter is the one that gave birth. In many countries when an unrelated person raises a child, the child's name is not changed and her identity is not hidden from her.

 

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Amendment VIII to the US Constitution:

"Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted."

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"Birthmother's Day" Celebrations - Celebrating "birthmotherhood" is celebrating the oppression of single moms.

 

Next: Prejudice, Women and Girls